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Rantings of an AngelHunter [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2009|12:07 am]
he left her, lying among the bruised apricots and the wheat
silently concentrating on the liquefied razor wire in her veins

he left her, staring at the moon and clutching her ribcage
in a feeble attempt to prevent her heart from slipping out

he left her, tearing into invisible boundaries in unknown space
that tightly wove themselves around her throat to choke all sound

he left her, and with her resignation she handed in the realization
that he may have never been there at all.

(nov 09)
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(no subject) [Feb. 13th, 2009|07:35 pm]
how dare you?
how dare you send me a message saying that
"you've been wondering how im doing abroad.."
fuck you.
i hope your next girlfriend gives you an std and breaks your heart.
i hope you fail studio again, and then dont have enough money for school.
i hope your parents finally kick you out, or make you pay rent.
fuck you, marcello schiffino.
when i asked you to care, you couldnt give a damn.
and now youre interested?
go fall in a ditch..

i hate men.
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(no subject) [Dec. 2nd, 2008|08:32 pm]
cadd drawings done
60 by 30 plot done
finishing details now
20 by 30 wall sections done

just need to hold out for a few more crucial hours..
may the gods help us
we can do this
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(no subject) [Nov. 30th, 2008|06:39 pm]
final countdown has commenced.
to do list for tonight:
1. finish up all orthographic drawings in cadd, then pdf them and put them into illustrator.
2. re-do the renderings of the individual displays. (also take pics of actual doll to use)
3. put the hvac system into the structural 3d model.
4. quickly render a 3d detail of the back facade
5. do the graphic layout for proprac assignment 4
6. shower and go to class.
thats all for now.
hope that i can get most of that done.

current red bull count: 1
current coffee count: 0
current cigarette count:1
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beginning to understand [Nov. 23rd, 2008|06:12 pm]
it just hit me
standing in the cold
being devious and watching smoke
i ll be gone before i know it
maybe even before the first
real snow sets on the ground.

and i ll be gone for a long time
enough to change a life
enough for being a catalyst
for the things that i want
the things that i need.

faces i wont even recognize
and copious amounts of coffee
and places i have never been to
and no excuses for bad tempers
or scowling faces
because i am going to be there.

the feeling is overwhelming
sadness and anticipation
hesitation and delirium
and a feeling of such a pull
like something
something is going to happen


i am only going to promise
myself one thing-
not that i will be good
not that i will write all the time
not that i will be safe
but that i will catalogue
every thought and sight and feeling
so that one day i can look back
and say
i was 22 and set free upon the world
i left and returned
and what of the changes?

we're just going to have to wait and see.
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(no subject) [Aug. 12th, 2008|02:20 pm]
im having a hard time breathing.
the kind of pressure that sits right underneath my ribs
and prevents me from taking a deep breath.

and im having a hard time sleeping
i keep waking up in the middle of the night
covered in sweat and seeing nightmares

and then i ll be fine again
get dressed and put on my clothes
only to have tears running down my face
ten minutes later.

and i know its going to stop
and that i will get over it
but at the moment i just dont even feel
like i ll make it
to the next day...

i feel like im broken into a million pieces
and even though i am trying to put them back together
it seems like some large ones have gone missing
and i just feel empty.

someone please make this go away.
i cant stand crying anymore.
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(no subject) [Jun. 3rd, 2008|04:02 pm]
so this summer just went from shitty to awesome, not in a matter of a few hours.
my boyfriend is a lazy slacker, my parents are going to europe and i am not,
and now..
they just cut my workweek by 20 hours. which means that i will be making 800 a month.
so, 515 for rent, 150 for utilities, 30/wk transportation.... and food.. well there goes the paycheck.. wow, good times. *sighs*
the end.
i havenothing more to say.

oh look.
anthropologie is hiring.

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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2008|07:57 pm]
im in my living room.
george michael is playing on the tv.
there is a half empty bottle of tequila in front of me.
and i have my silver fuck me heels on.
not like i have a plan. nope.
im just sitting around in my living room.
enjoying myself and brooding at the same time.
i wanted to bake today
and i wanted to clean.
instead i made myself food and watched tv.
and then i decided to start drinking.
and that was a good one.
so now me and the bottle are real close and i am
starting to think about things differently.
the last time i felt like this was when things
with me and he-who-must-not-be-named started going sour.
never felt like this about brazil before.
but now i dont even care that he will be out of state
all weekend.
im happy actually. glad i dont have to see him.
and that makes this girl feel very sad.
because it means that shes started to peel away
and that in the end, only means one thing
that she will never be able to open herself up completely.
at least thats what happened last time.
last time.
oh man, last time it almost cost me my soul.
last time. seems like an eternity.
last time this year i was so happy.
so stupid it seems to me now. so naive.
but its always like that for me isnt it.
i never see reality. or i do. but i chose not to.
so i always get myself in trouble.
ah fuck man.
fuck this shite.
welcome to my life.
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2008|01:02 pm]
[Current Mood |listlesslistless]

school is done.
im already 2 minutes late for thesis jury.
and i dont care.
*sighs* its coming around again
that feeling that i get sometimes.. like a slow burn
and all the things that i should not be thinking about
well i think about them
a lot.
movies, green, miso, vitasputen
all the good boys. *laughs* and not so boys.
and how i would just love, love to have some bad bad bad fun
which makes me a semi bad person
even the last one... the bad things seem to have evaporated
and all i remember is what those kisses used to be like
without all the drama
just the fire in it all
and then the conversations with movies
never appropriate
yet never crossing the line
although one could say that there was no more line after that final farewell
my life
one damn movie scene after another
its like im being chased by clichees
but its here again.. and i dont know how to get rid of it
and then maybe i dont want to..
and thats what scares me the most..
maybe i dont want to..
europe will be my downfall.. i can taste it in the air
but then again, kellios may be right.. it could just be the lack of sex talking.....
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2007|01:35 am]
[Current Location |tech center]
[Current Mood |frantic]
[Current Music |bebel humming]

the only thing keeping me going right now
is the sheer refusal to fail.
because the exhaustion, loss of motivation
lack of sleep
desperation to the state of collapse
is gnawing at my insides.

and all i have to keep me going
is the simple fact that tomorrow it will
all be

but until then, this is what living hell feels like.
if i could i would break down and cry right now.
but that would be giving in, and giving up.

so instead i put on bebel gilberto
take another cigarette
another sip of red bull, coffee and vitamin water
and pray that my body one day forgives me for this torture.

what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger.
fuck man, what i am i supposed to be made of diamonds one day?
sometimes i just with that i could be chalk...
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